Gateway to Emotions
by RJTruth85
Summary: Ikkaku and Yumichika have been friends for a long time and have been through a lot together. When Ikkaku faces a near death Yumichika has to come to terms with his feelings for Ikkaku. As Ikkaku's condition grows worse will Yumichika find the courage to tell his friend or will he be too late? Rated for homosexual theme
1. Guilt

**_Note: _****This is merely a quick note as to what inspired me to create this story. I've been watching bleach for a long time, and have never really been a fan of the Yumichika and Ikkaku couple. But as years have gone by I've warmed up to the couple and I've been reading a lot of stories about them. Not trying to hate on anyone's stories but I didn't feel as if the people whose stories I read truly captured the characters well enough to bring out the reactions of Ikkaku and the feelings of Yumichika about the whole situation. Ikkaku is smarter than people give him credit for plus they're best friends I'm sure that he would know the nature of his friend well enough to have figured it out. I also think that Yumichika doesn't want to ruin what they have by coming out with his true feelings in fear of ruining their friendship. So if that be the case I think Yumichika would deal with his feelings the same way he deals with his zanpakutou's power. He will do anything to keep people from finding out. Though Yumichika is gay I believe that Ikkaku is straight. So Ikkaku would deny that his best friend is in love with him. So if Yumichika were brave enough to open up to Ikkaku then reality would hit Ikkaku hard and he'd have a difficult time dealing with it. Also I wanted to capture Yumichika's more serious and sensitive side rather than his usual flamboyant, beauty obsessed side to prove that there is more to him than meets the eye. These are just my opinions so don't go hating on me for vocalizing them. Anyways now that my rant is over I will give you a brief summary and let you get on with the story.**

**_Summary:_**** Ikkaku and Yumichika have been friends for a long time. They have been through a lot together and Yumichika hasn't been able to come to terms with his feelings for Ikkaku. When Ikkaku faces a near death experience Yumichika is troubled with thoughts that his friend might die. He discovers his true feelings for Ikkaku and is somewhat guilty of the secrets he has kept. When Ikkaku's condition grows worse will Yumichika find the courage to tell his friend or will he be too late?**

**_Time/Setting:_**** This has no specific time but it's before Aizen betrays the Soul Society. This takes place in both the world of the living and the Soul Society.**

**_Disclaimer:_**** Unfortunate as it is I don't own Bleach . . . . :(**

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The night was bitterly cold. Frigid wind whipped the man's hair into his face. He stood in an alley in an attempt to get out of the wind but it sought him out. The battle that took place before his wasn't abnormal in any way. He'd done this about a thousand times. Standing aside and watching as his friend laughed maniacally through a heated battle. There was a small army of hollows of the Adjuchas class. Yumichika had quickly dealt with the ordinary hollows and let Ikkaku deal with the rest. He didn't have any doubt that the bald man would win. These may be large class hollows to a normal shinigami, but Ikkaku was up to the challenge. He'd practically begged to be given this mission. He hadn't found any suitable opponents for months and was becoming anxious for a good fight. Yumichika could have given Ikkaku somewhat of a challenge, but they have dueled together so often that it wasn't that much fun for either shinigami anymore. They knew each other's moves and specialties by heart.

At least the powers that Yumichika had been willing to present. He mused on the thought of him showing Ikkaku his true powers and what the outcome of a fight between them would be. It would never happen though. Yumichika could dream about what would happen and how Ikkaku would accept his power openly, but he knew that would never happen. Knowing what it may cause if Ikkaku ever found made Yumichika resist the urge to even think about him coming clean about his true powers. There was also one other matter that Yumichika himself couldn't come to terms with. His feelings regarding Ikkaku as more than a friend. The outcome of _that _was to horrendous to even think. So he merely pushed it out of his mind and dismissed his feelings an implausible speculation.

A sudden wave of spiritual pressure revived Yumichika from his thoughts and he looked upon the battle. One adjucha had Ikkaku pinned to the ground with his sword several feet from his grasp. Five large adjuchas, not counting the one holding Ikkaku to the ground, crept towards him and each bellowed out in turn. Ikkaku strained and struggled to wriggle out of the adjucha's grasp. Unable to break free he was rained upon by the hollows. Dread filled Yumichika. He'd always told himself that he would be fine if Ikkaku died in battle, but as the sudden thought of never seeing Ikkaku in one piece was too much to bear. He gripped the hilt of his zanpakuto but hesitated as Ikkaku's spiritual pressure wavered. He was still fighting back. Yumichika let his guard down but only slightly to see if Ikkaku would somehow pull himself out of this one. When Ikkaku's spiritual pressure dropped past a certain point ,Yumichika knew he had lost consciousness and was dying. He rushed at the swarm of adjuchas and made quick work of the first one. After that they all turned on him with blood on their lips.

Yumichika stole a quick glance at the limp and bloodied body of his friend. He wasn't able to get a good look at the injuries before the hollows charged. He whipped out his zanpakuto and immediately called upon his partial shikai. After receiving many wounds and directing the hollows away from Ikkaku he made connection with the soul society and told them of his current situation and Ikkaku's fatal condition. Reinforcements showed up to collect the fallen Ikkaku and a badly wounded Yumichika, who'd defeated the last hollow just as they arrived. As a fellow shinigami approached him to congratulate his success in finishing off the hollows, he collapsed into unconsciousness.

* * *

Curtains opened and the bandaged figures were bathed in sunlight. One was a rather handsome man whose breath was even and he seemed to sleep peacefully. The other a more rugged looking man whose wounds were more fatal and caused his breath to be ragged. His skin was deathly pale and the squad four members were well aware that he may not awake from his deep slumber. His injuries proved to be a challenge. They were slowly healing and here and there they would become infected. He was treated many times a day and was checked up on often. His progress was being charted carefully and the results caused some discomfort considering the man's disposition.

As the light flooded over his face Yumichika awoke to the blinding white light. He blinked several time to lose some of the heaviness of his eyelids. He glanced about the room. He soon recognized where he was. It hadn't been his first time in the squad four barracks. He eyed the curtain that separated him and his friend. He sat up slowly and yanked it to the side to reveal Ikkaku's mangled cadaver. Immediately relief flooded through him to see that he was still breathing. He hadn't even known he'd been that worried about Ikkaku. He sat back against the pillows of his bed and watched the rise and fall of Ikkaku's chest until the door opened and a nurse strolled in with a warm smile.

"What's his condition?" Yumichika asked and noticed the brief look of uncertainty on the nurse's face. The nurse had been given strict orders that if Yumichika asked his friend's condition she tell him Ikkaku was doing fine. They wanted to prolong the news to Yumichika until he was well enough that the stress and worry wouldn't affect his physical condition. The nurse knew however by the look on the man's face that he would worry no matter what. So disobeying her orders she told him the truth that he wasn't doing well. Concern washed over Yumichika's face and the nurse wondered for a moment if she shouldn't have told him, but instantly eliminated that thought. She would not have felt right lying to him.

Yumichika waited until the nurse had left before he let his eyes come to rest on the body of Ikkaku. There were so many thoughts that arose in his head that he became too conflicted to even begin to make sense of it. He shook his head free of those thoughts and once again returned his focus to the seemingly lifeless figure of his friend. He focused on the way the light poured in from the window and came to rest on the man's paled face. How even in his sickly condition he portrayed a beauty that would always be Ikkaku. His face didn't show any signs of pain, but Yumichika knew all too well that the real pain lay beyond the skin. Just as his did. He felt the guilt arise, but did nothing to stop an overwhelming sensation that this was his fault. At the same time he knew Ikkaku wouldn't have been happy if Yumichika had interfered. But Ikkaku was no longer in fighting condition when Yumichika impeded. And what would Ikkaku have felt like having lost to hollows! So Yumichika's actions were acceptable, at least that's what he told himself to ease the guilt.

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**Whew! Don't worry this isn't the end, but I am open to any criticism or suggestions. Please review it'd mean a lot to me!**


	2. Realization

**I'm honestly surprised by the amount of views I've had so far and thanks to those few who reviewed. I'll try to keep this story updated.**

_**Disclaimer: **_**I don't own bleach so please don't arrest me!**

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It'd been a week since they'd been brought back to the Soul Society when Yumichika was finally allowed to leave the Squad Four Barracks. He didn't leave for long. Only to shower, change his clothes, and grab a quick bite to eat then he returned to wait by Ikkaku's bedside. He been in the same place often, but never before had he been so worried about Ikkaku. They had been best friends for a long time and never had Ikkaku received such a close encounter with death. Even his fight in the rukon district with Kenpachi hadn't caused him such fatal wounds. Neither had Yumichika ever been filled with such dread . . . and guilt. If only he'd stepped in sooner to help.

His mind was troubled. He doubted and question himself and the situation. The question he lingered on currently was, why was this situation different from any other? He'd never felt like this before. What had changed? He pondered upon those questions as he sat in the room that his injured friend occupied. He danced around the answers that popped up in his head trying to find one that would satisfy the questions appropriately. But he had no such luck in finding the answer he sought so desperately for.

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The strawberry blonde stepped into the hospital room to find her normally flamboyant and enthusiastic friend with his head in his hands. She had never seen him so depressed. She wished that she knew what to do to help him, but it seemed the only thing that would help him, was for him to be told that Ikkaku would be okay. Though that wasn't something she could guarantee. As he looked up to see who had entered the room she also wished she could show him to a mirror. Worry lines streaked his face and his hair had lost its shine. He seemed to have aged several years. But she knew the his outward state reflection only a minor fraction of his inner state and concluded that now wasn't the time to be worrying about looks.

"How is he doing?" Rangiku asked gently placing a hand on his shoulder. Yumichika merely shook his head in reply.

"How are _you_ doing?" she said genuinely concerned about her friend.

"Been better." When he looked up a her she read the guilt that was written all over his face.

"What happened?" she wondered what could have caused such a drastic change in Yumichika.

"I hesitated. I let this happen. If he dies I-"

"This is Ikkaku Madarame we're talking about!" her voice and eyes were suddenly hard. "He's not going to die! He owes you for saving his life and he won't let a dept go unpaid. " Yumichika was stunned at Rangiku's harshness. She herself was stunned by her outburst. All he could do in reply was blink. She was right. This was Ikkaku Madarame the third seat of the eleventh division. He'd had many close encounters with death and even though this was the worst how could Yumichika been brought to think that somehow that meant Ikkaku wouldn't survive. When Rangiku saw the sudden realization on his face she was relived that what she'd said had been able to bring him comfort.

Rangiku and Yumichika remained in the room together without many words being passed between them. When Rangiku finally did get up and leave she tried once again to comfort him some more. She knew the relationship between the two men and luckily she once again was able to bring temporary peace to Yumichika. After her departure Yumichika became aware of a feeling that he had. One that he couldn't quite bring to words to describe. His confusion was temporary as he became aware of Ikkaku's stirring. The man tossed and for one brief moment opened his eyes. They met Yumichika's and then closed once more before Yumichika could bring himself to say anything. Sudden relief flooded through him as Ikkaku's spiritual pressure began to increase. It was only a slight increase, but it was enough.

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The azure water surrounding the island no longer shimmered and his reflection could not bee seen. The normal blue sky was cloaked with grey clouds. Heavy winds bent the long grass and flowers that covered the island. The petals of the flowers wilted and blew away. The leaves of the once strong and beautiful trees began to blow away as well. His world was falling apart. The rain had not yet begun to fall, but the winds made up for that. Guilt and sorrow lingered around the secrets that were stored there. It'd been a long time since Yumichika had entered his inner world. He normally enjoyed his time there when he could escape Ruri'iro Kujaku's torment. Now he longed to get out but there was something there that called to him. He wandered about his normally beautiful world observing the chaos that was represented by the feelings that he had. When he finally reached his destination he looked upon his zanapkuto spirit. **  
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"Fuji Kujaku? Why am I here?" Ruri'iro Kujaku sighed in frustration from being called by the loathsome nickname that had been unjustly bestowed upon him.

"I can give you answers." He told Yumichika.

"What answers?"

"The ones I've been practically shouting at you all day. And yet you still haven't heard me."

"What answers." Yumichika demanded this time. Ruri'iro Kujaku went on to explain why he'd been called into his inner world. When Yumichika had received his answer it took a moment for it to sink in. When it did dread filled within him and the sound of thunder brought him to consciousness.

Yumichika sat up in his room in the Squad Eleven barracks. Dread surged through him and try as he might he couldn't deny what he'd come to realize. Now with as much satisfaction that came with what he'd come to realize he didn't know whether he'd be able to keep yet another secret.

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**Well there you have it. Please let me know what ya'll think!**


	3. A Bad Idea

**This chapter was inspired by a song I listened to recently to escape the chaos of my family.**

**_Disclaimer:_ I don't own bleach, its characters, or any settings that I may use in the story. I'm just borrowing it, so when Tite Kubo asks for it back a I will give it back (eventually), but until then enjoy the story.  
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_"You strip me down, the layers fall like rain. It's over now just innocence and instinct sill remain. You watched me as I slowly disappeared. I reached for you to save me, you were frozen in your fear. Take it all away. . . ." _

_"Circling the pain inside my soul. I reached inside your silence to steal what you won't show. I try to find the answers in my fears. But what was found was lost again as soon as it appeared."_

_"I'm breaking, I can't do this on my own. Can you hear me screaming out? Am I all alone?"_

_- 'Take it all away' by Red_

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The silence was anything but peaceful and the only thing to be heard was the loud pounding of the young man's heart as he rest is eyes on his injured friend. The man who slept looked better than he had over the past few days, but there was still the lingering question that was constantly asked. What he going to make it? A few days ago when Rangiku had paid the two men a visit she had implanted some hope into Yumichika. Now that hope was slowly fading. Dread and sorrow once again found a place in Yumichika's heart. It seemed as if he were spiraling into a dark hole in which he could only escape if Ikkaku was there to pull him out.

All of Yumichika's friends had never seen him like he was now. He couldn't even come to grips to what he was like now compared to what he was like before. Maybe once Ikkaku healed Yumichika would go back to normal, or if Ikkaku died this condition of Yumichika's would become permanent, so to speak. Eventually he'd get out of the dark hole on his own, but it'd take a while. However, no one knew Yumichika's true feelings. If they understood how much Yumichika truly cared about Ikkaku they'd understand than no matter the outcome Yumichika would never be the same. This feeling. something that he wouldn't allow himself to say in his own head let alone out loud, was new. It'd change him forever.

Yumichika hadn't shed a single tear or even gotten watery eyes. He remained solemn and silent. That was almost unbearable for the zanpakuto. Even though he and Yumichika didn't see eye to eye very often, he still cared. Ruri'iro Kujaku tried once again to interrupt the silence and try to snap Yumichika out of this stupor, but once again no matter how loud he shouted it didn't seem to make a difference. He regretted telling Yumichika about his feelings, but he couldn't stand all the questions and confusion. However it hadn't seemed that telling him the truth had made much of a difference, mostly due to Yumichika's constant denial. Though he had known it would take a while for it to really set in it seemed that now it would be longer than he had anticipated. These were his feelings, they were not so easily hidden as his zanpakuto's power. So Yumichika'd eventually have to face the facts, he was in love with Ikkaku Madarame.

* * *

He couldn't sleep. He'd been up half the night by Ikkaku's bedside until Captain Unohana had to personally escort him out. Now he lay in his bed wide awake with worry. No it was more than that. Worry, dread, fear, guilt . . . . love. His thoughts were more jumbled than ever. As the night progressed he eventually fell into an uneasy and restless sleep.

_A flash of silver and a sharp sting at his throat. _

_He could feel it digging into his skin._

_"Come on! Fight me!" the knife wielding young man shouted in his drunken state._

_"W-What?" the victim was filled with fear as blood began to trickle down his chest. _

_The other man wavered for a moment and the victim took that as his opportunity to strike. _

_The situation had been reversed. _

_But it was not anger that drove the current knife wielder, rather fear. _

_Both then became locked in a battle. _

_One in defense and the other trying to just protect himself. _

_When the battle was resolved it resulted in a draw. _

_Both men were worn out and the attacker congratulated the other on his good fighting ability. _

_From then on both men went on fighting, but never each other. _

_They fought for survival. _

_They fought for fun and to gain skill. _

_And they fought for each other and had since._

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After the dream Yumichika'd had the previous night his feelings became a little more settled. He was glad that even though it'd been a long time he could still remember in full detail when he met Ikkakku. It was kind of hard to forget, Yumichika still had the scars. Friendship born from a fight was sounded strange, but it meant a lot to Yumichika because he had always assumed that they would go on fighting, for each other that is. But now what? Ikkaku was dying. What could be done?

A sudden thought came to Yumichika and he immediately tried to dismiss it. But the more he tried to rid it from his mind the more and more it seemed to scream out to him. It was an absolute, one hundred percent, horrible idea. It wasn't something he could do without exposing his true self. The part of him that he had for so long fought to keep hidden. No longer could he stand the thought of the idea and yet he could no more stand the thought of Ikkaku dying. It was a bad idea, but it was crazy and stupid enough that it might work. Hell, he could top some of Captain Kurotsuchi's ideas with this one.

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**I love cliffhangers, don't you? I'll give anyone five dollars if they can guess Yumichika's idea. Thanks for reading. **


	4. Finally Awake

**Wow . . . just wow. I thought 15 visitors a month was pretty good, but last month this story alone got 83 visitors and this month 45! So I hope this chapter won't disappoint. ;D And I apologize for the long wait. I had finals all last week and I was just catching up on my sleep this weekend. **

**Disclaimer: We've already been through this a million times, but if you insist, I don't own bleach or any of it's contents and that includes the characters**

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_"So many nights I've watched you sleep. Tried to resist but it cut so deep. And when you're next to me you're still out of my reach. But I just long for you . . . "_

_" . . .and I try to be strong, but I still long for you. I look into your heart and discover myself, but I'll never be apart of your world. I need you. Can't reach you, we're worlds apart. If you need me look into your heart."_

_- 'Your Heart' by Damien Dawn_

* * *

He was a war with himself in more ways then one. Was Ikkaku merely a friend or more? Were Yumichika's feelings true or was it just a desperate attempt to make sense of things? The one that he had settled on for the moment was, whether this plan was going to work and save Ikkaku, or if fate deal out the death card to both of them. Darkness surrounded him and his head spun. The room seemed to shrink around him and the furniture began to blur together. Sweat rolled down his forehead and his heart pounded. He half hoped that he wouldn't have to go through with it, that someone would come banging on the door and tell him that Ikkaku had recovered and was asking to see him. The other half of him knew that wasn't going to happen and it was up to him to save Ikkaku's life. The thing that got Yumichika set on the idea was the fact that with every passing minute Ikkaku was growing weaker. It seemed that no matter the type or amount of healing kido used on Ikkaku, he had only improved very little. Now he had knocked on death's door and was merely waiting to be let it.

His realistic side won and Yumichika decided, it was now or never. So without much more thought Yumichika raised his trembling arms with the sword grasped firmly in his hands, his knuckles and face drained of blood. Without another moments hesitation he uttered the words that only few times before had passed his lips. The vines wrapped around his body and he could feel his energy quickly disappearing. He never imagined the pain that was inflicted by his own powers, but now lying there suffering he understood. With his reiatsu being sucked out of him, the flowers buds began to bloom. And before Yumichika was completely drained he called off his zanpakuto. Those few minutes were so excruciatingly painful that Yumichika's vision began to blurr once more. When the light from the zanpakuto dimmed so did his consciousness and he fell face forward onto the ground.

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He awoke not too much long after and with the little energy he possessed he gathered up the flowers that remained on the ground and tucked them into his uniform. He stumbled about the streets of the Soul Society before he reached the Squad Four Barracks. When he did however he tried to appear as normal as possible so as not to draw attention to himself. When he came to the room he was relieved to find Ikkaku still breathing and no one else there. With trembling hands he held up a flower that radiated with energy. He put the petal to Ikkaku's lips and already the reiatsu was flowing into him. That one flower, now drained, had made a difference, and that was enough to spark hope into Yumichika, as well as some energy. Once he had gone through all the flowers they disintegrated and all he had left to do now was wait and hope. Fortunately the wait wasn't long.

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_Inside Ikkaku's head_

_"You're so weak!" _

_"You're pathetic!"_

_"You will never amount to anything!"_

_Those words rang loud and clear. _

_He thought that they were true, but he was only a child. _

_There did come a time when he discovered that those words meant nothing. _

_He had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve such treatment. _

_But all he received for it was bruises and broken bones. _

_It made him strong. _

_All the torture and all the suffering made his who he was. _

_So who would he be if his upbringing in the rukon districts had been different? _

_He certainly wouldn't have ended up killing his 'father', who had been the one who'd tortured him. _

_He certainly wouldn't have gotten lost and confused and have struggled on his own._

_He wouldn't have gotten into so many fights and discovered that he loved it. _

_He wouldn't have developed a hate for those who had special powers that didn't require them to do anything, but say a few incantations. _

_And he certainly wouldn't have met Yumichika._

_That day. _

_It was one that Ikkaku remembered perfectly._

_He'd had one too many drinks that day, trying to fill the emptiness that he felt in his life. _

_He had fighting, but there was something else missing. _

_Once he had left the bar he wandered around challenging anyone he could find. _

_When he came upon the long haired man he thought it would be any easy kill. _

_He was reckless and wasn't thinking about the enjoyment of the fight. _

_He just wanted to kill. _

_He was proved wrong however. _

_The man was a worthy match. _

_After congratulating the other man Ikkaku vowed to himself that he would become stronger._

_He would stop his heavy drinking and would focus on becoming stronger._

_Yumichika had given his life purpose again. _

_But that's when the hunger set in. _

_That's when his reiatsu began to rise and become stronger. _

_Or in other words, more uncontrollable. _

_He began experiencing hunger. _

_Food was scarce and it was a struggle to get a hold of some, because many were desperate for it. _

_That's the second time he met the long haired man. _

_He had found a woman who was selling food._

_She had set up a table at the end of the market. _

_It was a little more secluded and the perfect target._

_He had been in an alley awaiting the moment when the woman turned her back. _

_He waited and waited. _

_Ikkaku had been too focused on the food he didn't see the long haired man in the alley behind the woman. _

_But he saw Ikkaku. _

_Yumichika saw that same look of hunger in his eyes that he felt. _

_Stepping out of the shadows he attempted to grab off the table._

_The woman caught his wrist and began scolding him. _

_He motioned with his eyes for Ikkaku to grab something while she was distracted. _

_Not needing to be told twice Ikkaku pounced on the table, scooping up as much as he could._

_The woman released her grasp on Yumichika's wrist and turned to chase Ikkaku. _

_Yumichika gathered up what was left and headed off in the opposite direction. _

_After that the two men continued to run into each other and surprised each other by how well they worked together. _

_Since then they'd become friends. _

_And now?_

_Ikkaku knew he was dying. _

_He also knew that Yumichika was on the other side waiting. _

_For that one brief moment that he had awoken he had saw his best friend. _

_He felt more relieved to see his friend alive than he would ever admit._

_But what he had seen in Yumichika's eyes puzzled him. _

_Normally Ikkaku would've dismissed it and let it be, but this was different._

_He had to know what had been going through Yumichika's mind before he left. _

_He also wanted to know what had happened and how he was even still alive._

* * *

His eyes opened and the men were both relieved to see the other. They were both weak, but both alive. Neither knew what to say. Ikkaku wanted to ask how he was still alive, but there was something about the complexion of the man that told Ikkakku it wasn't something that should be discussed immediately. They remained in silence another moment when Yumichika finally was able to gather words.

"Welcome back to the world of the living, friend."

"It's good to be back." Ikkaku's voice was hoarse. There would have been another awkward silence between the two if a nurse hadn't poked his head in. When he saw that Ikkaku was awake he beamed.

"Madarame! It's good to see you alive. We thought that you were done for!" A smile broke across Ikkaku's face.

"A feeble group of hollows like that! Don't insult me," although the nurse realized that Ikkaku was joking he apologized and then seeing Yumichika for the first time he decided to leave the two alone. Yumichika had been constantly worrying about Ikkaku dying and now that it was assured that he wasn't he was at a loss for words. He didn't want to get emotional or sappy by saying something like 'I missed you'. Fortunately this time Ikkaku broke the silence.

"What happened? I thought I was done for when those hollows closed in on me." Yumichika folded his arms across his chest and adopted a false serious look.

"You would have been if not for me! You're lucky you have such a good friend. I figured your reputation would be ruined if you'd lost to _hollows."_ Ikkaku scowled, but was secretly grateful to his friend. Until he felt a sharp pain in his shoulder where his friend's fist had just connected to.

"What the hell was that for!" Ikkaku said rubbing his shoulder and sitting up.

"For scaring me!" Yumichika hadn't meant to say that. He'd meant to say something like 'For being weak' or 'Just checking to see if you could feel.' Ikkaku raised an eyebrow at that. Yumichika flushed. Now he was in for it. Didn't take long for that secret to be blown. Luckily Ikkaku was still a little slow from the recent recovery that it didn't register. All he wanted was an explanation. When Yumichika realized this he relaxed and searched for a way to cover up for it. Finding no other way he said, "You were nearly dead."

"And you scared that I almost died?"

"Well I wouldn't have anyone to torment and tease now would I? Or someone I could ask in the morning whether or not I look good," he said putting on his flamboyant nature to cover up his feelings. Ikkaku slumped over and moaned. _'Yumichika would,' _he thought.

"You could do that just fine with Rangiku."

"Yeah but I don't get the same reactions out of her that I do with you."

Luckily for Yumichika he convinced his friend. Secretly he wished he could have gotten the nerves to just tell Ikkaku, but no matter what opportunity presented itself he would always be a coward. Shy away from every chance he could so as not to ruin what he had. But after this slip up he knew it was only a matter of time before the secret would be out.

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**Alright! I finally did it. So sorry it took so long. And Merry Christmas!**


	5. Three Words: Part 1

**I don't know how many people read the beginning part where the author just blabs away, but for any that do read this, great! This is my most popular story and I am happy to say that for November I had 83 visitors and December I had 85. In my book that's pretty good. So I would just like to thank you all for reading and enjoy this next chapter. Happy 2013 everyone!**

**_Disclaimer: _Don't own Bleach, never have, never will**

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It had been a long week. After Ikkaku had awoken many things had taken place. For one he was required to remain in the squad four barracks until he was cleared to go. They were all stunned by his sudden recovery. Ikkaku, having heard how close he was to death, was also perplexed as to how he survived. Although awaking to see his best friend there he knew that Yumichika had something to do with it. The look in his friend's eyes had told him that it wasn't a good time to ask, but Ikkaku knew that curiosity would eventually get the better of him. Ever since he had regained consciousness Ikkaku had noticed his friend was acting strangely. He could tell that there was something he was not being told. Even when Yumichika _acted_ like his normal self, Ikkaku knew it was only acting. One day as he laid in his room bored to death he had a strange conversation with one of the nurses that got him to thinking. And that's a rare occasion.

"Where's your friend?" the nurse asked him. Ikkaku shrugged and responded bitterly, "How should I know? I've been trapped here for the past few days."

"Well he was here everyday while you were in the coma, so I just wondered. . . " she stopped when she noticed the quizzical look on his face, "What is it?"

"It's just . . . he's never visited often before," the nurse, knowing of Ikkaku reputation, nodded.

"I don't know what changed, but he was seemed awfully worried this time around and hardly left at all. Most of the time the only way to get him to leave was to drag him out of the room," she said finishing up her job of tidying up the room. Ikkaku began to wonder what had changed while he was out. By what the nurse and Rangiku had told him Yumichika had been acting abnormally, well _more _abnormal than he usually was. According to everyone he'd talked to Yumichika was still acting strange, though while Ikkaku had been conscious Yumichika had rarely visited and when he did there was always a strange awkwardness that had never been present before. Finally the day came. Ikkaku could leave! He'd made several attempts to escape the barracks but every time he did he was met by a glaring Unohana. As soon as he heard that he was allowed to leave he took off at full speed and didn't stop until he reached squad eleven. Home, he was finally home.

* * *

Every time he tried to act as if nothing had happened he had failed. Yumichika had visited Ikkaku after he made his 'miraculous' recovery, but only a few times and none of them had gone well. He couldn't help but look at Ikkaku in a different way than he had before. So his solution was to just avoid Ikkaku as much as he could and refrain from thinking about him. It wasn't the thought of revealing his feelings to Ikkaku that terrified him, it was the fear that he would be rejected and things between them would never be the same. The situation Yumichika was in at the moment wasn't much better, because Ikkaku knew something was going on. So even if Yumichika succeeded in keeping Ikkaku in the dark, things between them could never be the same. This was at least survivable.

The spiritual pressure was drawing nearer. Ikkaku was back. Now Yumichika had no excuse to avoid him. They were, after all best friends and Yumichika had risked his life for Ikkaku, he couldn't just all of a sudden stop being friends. Yumichika sighed and left his room to meet his best friend after having avoided him for several days. As soon as the men caught a glimpse of each other the awkward feeling returned. Yumichika avoided eye contact, hating himself for being so emotional. Ikkaku scowled. He wasn't going to let this continue.

"What is going on!?" he demanded. Yumichika was about to respond with an fake denial, but Ikkaku cut him off short, telling him not to pretend that it was nothing. A smile tugged on the edges of Yumichika's lips. He laughed silently to himself. Ikkaku noticed the look on his friends face and once again inquired what was going on. The reason for Yumichika's sudden changed of attitude was the comparison of how long it took for that secret to be blown (because now he had no other option but to confess) compared to how his other secret, which he'd had much longer, still remained a secret. Yumichika shook his head. He no longer had to wonder what Ikkaku would say or do. It would all be revealed in a matter of seconds. He thought for a moment, trying to see if there was another way out of this, but he knew that there wasn't. So taking a deep breath he squared up and looked Ikkaku in the eyes for the first time in a while. All of a sudden there was a great sinking feeling in Yumichika's stomach.

"I . . . " he dropped eye contact, " . . . can't tell you." He was claimed by shame. Why couldn't he have just done it? Although Ikkaku wasn't going to take that answer so grabbing the scruff of Yumichika's robes he forced the man to retain eye contact. "Just tell me! What happened to you?" Ikkaku's voice almost sounded hurt. When Yumichika realized this he really looked into Ikkaku's eyes and found the courage to open his mouth and uttered the three words that would change everything.

"I love you."

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**Cliffhangers are my best friends! I love them and they're especially useful when you don't know what else to write. However I do hope this chapter was sufficient. Thanks again for reading!**


	6. Three Words: Part 2

**I know I know, I'm a terrible author for not updating sooner. Blame my school and all the blasted homework they give us, not me. Just so you all know, this was a hard chapter to do. I've read many scenario's of what Ikkaku's reaction would be, but none of them, in my opinion, fit his character. Hopefully interpretation will fit better, but who knows? It's all a matter of opinion. Anyways . . . let us go onward to the story!**

**_Disclaimer: _Do I really have to do this again? I think everybody knows by now that I don't own Bleach . . . yet.**

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Suddenly, everything fell into place. Why Yumichika had been acting so strangely and why he hadn't left Ikkaku's bedside while Ikkaku was in a coma. Ikkaku seemed to freeze, eyes on the fifth seat. He blinked a few times and wondered momentarily if he'd heard correctly, but the sincerity in the man's eyes erased any doubt Ikkaku might have. Slowly he released his grip from Yumichika's robes and let his hand fall by his side. He had been prepared for absolutely anything, except that. He made an attempt to say something, anything, but found his voice had abandon him. He stared blankly at his friend, unable to determine what to say. The air around them was tainted heavily with the awkward silence. It was Ikkaku's turn to direct his eyes away from his friend, while Yumichika searched his face desperately for a clue to what Ikkaku was thinking. While Ikkaku remained stunned Yumichika began to panic. What now? Things could never go back to the way they had been before and they were both aware of that.

"Ikkaku?" Yumichika's voice broke into the silence sounding small. This reaction wasn't what he had expected, yet he didn't know what he _had _expected. Ikkaku looked up at Yumichika and as their eyes met, mixed emotions portrayed in Ikkaku's eyes. Yumichika felt a flutter of hope when he realized there was a chance he may not be rejected.

"For how long?" Ikkaku didn't recognize his own voice. This shocked Yumichika, it hadn't been the response he'd prepared for. Yumichika looked at Ikkaku for a moment then opened his mouth to speak and found, he didn't have an answer. Hadn't he just barely discovered his feelings for Ikkaku? Exactly, merely _discovered_ them, but how long had they existed.

"Since we became friends," he answered hestitantly. "But I didn't know about my own feelings until the accident in the World of the Living." Although it didn't make sense that it was this particular situation, Ikkaku had been in many life threatening situations before. Why was this situation so different? He cursed not being able to know why this was happening all of a sudden.

"I see . . . " Ikkaku turned away once more, his back to Yumichika. Ikkaku couldn't say he was extremely surprised, I mean he was Yumichika's best friend and it hadn't taken long to discover that Yumichika was gay, but he hadn't expected Yumichika to fall in love with _him._ In fact, this was the reason Ikkaku avoided the topic of romance and relationships. He took a deep breath and after a moment's hesitation he turned back towards his friend, still undecided on how to handle the situation. Yumichika had expected Ikkaku to walk away and became hopeful when he turned back around to face him. "Dammit Yumichika," Ikkaku said, a smile playing at his lips. Not a smirk, but a smile. Yumichika stood stunned and intrigued by his friend's behavior.

"Why do you have to make things so complicated?" He said shaking his head. Yumichika didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. For a moment longer they stood there in silence. Their eyes met and Yumichika found his voice, asking a question that would remain unanswered for some time, "What now?"

* * *

Days had passed and Yumichika was still waiting for an answer. And Ikkaku was still searching for an answer among all the questions he had. He hadn't had the chance to ask how he had survived. Both of them had avoided each other unless it was necessary and when they met their was always that awkward tension that hung between them and Yumichika felt the dread that came with knowing that their friendship had been severed. All because he had to come to terms with his feelings. But he also knew deep down, even if he wouldn't admit it, that this was the only way it could have happened. Otherwise Ikkaku would've died and Yumichika would have had to live with the guilt.

To everyone around them it was no secret that they were avoiding each other and why. Especially to their friends who were the first to find out their situation. Rangiku of course was probably the one who'd spread the news to the whole soul society. No one really treated them any different, but everyone waited anxiously for the outcome. Whenever the two were seen together people listened intently, trying not to seem as if they were. Finally the awkwardness could no longer be stood by either men. They stopped trying to pretend nothing was going on, it was time to deal with the situation.

"You know you're going to have to face him eventually," the strawberry blonde told her bald friend.

"I don't know what you expect me to do," Ikkaku scowled. Rangiku, who sat opposite him in the small room stared hard at him for a few moments. She stood and walked over to him. Ikkaku met her glare with one of his own.

"Do you really need me to tell you what to do?"

"Be my guest, because I'm at a complete loss."

"Tell him the truth," she stated firmly. That hit home for Ikkaku. He knew exactly what she meant, but how did she know? He vocalized his question and she gave him a how-stupid-do-you-think-I-am look. He only looked at her surprised and stunned. "God Ikkaku! How oblivious can you be?" That had done it. They were now face to face, starring each other down. "Stop denying your feelings Ikkaku and just tell him!" She nearly shouted. He knew she was right. Finally he dropped his gaze and shifted it towards the door. She gave him a shove and whispered, "Good luck." Once the door shut behind him a grin broke out across Rangiku's face. _"It's about time," _she thought. Oh how she was enjoying every moment of this!

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**I think I've dragged this out longer than I had anticipated. I had planned to finish the story in this chapter but now I'm not so sure it's over . . . let me know what you think!**


	7. Three Words: Part 3

**I'll try to finish the story up in the next chapter because I just got a great idea for this one and it would be torture to leave it the way I plan to. So therefore there must be another chapter. Might be a little long, but oh well. :D**

_**Disclaimer:**_** Don't own Bleach D: **

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They found themselves in a rather familiar position. Ikkaku had tried to procrastinate their meeting by wandering around the barracks for some time, during that time he found himself getting lost in his thoughts and his feet, having a mind of their own, took him right to Yumichika. He cursed knowing that he could no longer delay their meeting. Unless . . . nope Yumichika had spotted him. He had no choice, except he'd rather not have this discussion in such a public place; the dining hall. Or as the eleventh squad used it, the drinking hall. Yumichika sat on the far end with a bottle in his hand, but he looked rather disinterested in the drink. His chin rested in the palm of his hand with his elbow on the table. Other men sat around him drowning themselves in drunken pleasure. Yumichika stared blankly at the wall, listening to the conversations around him, but their ramblings weren't really registering. He had glanced a few times at Ikkaku, who remained near the doorway, leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest. Ikkaku knew Yumichika wasn't one to drink much, but by the look in his eyes he could tell that he'd drunk more than he normally would have. When Yumichika stole another glance at Ikkaku their eyes met. Ikkaku motioned for Yumichika to follow. His former friend looked startled, but nodded and stood. He carefully made his way over, being sure not to stumble over any unconscious bodies that were sprawled across the floor. When he got near enough Ikkaku panicked. What was he going to say? What _could _he say? As Yumichika approached Ikkaku knew it was too late to turn back. He had to think of something and quick. _"Dammit . . ." _Ikkaku continually cursed himself mentally.

Yumichika had taken his time to approach the bald man and when he did he stayed a good few feet away. That now familiar awkwardness tainted the air around them and people began to stare. Ikkaku looked at a loss, but despite that he took a deep breath and looked at Yumichika with hard eyes. Now it was Ikkaku's turn to be the coward. Despite Rangiku's comment, _"Tell him the truth," _Ikkaku just couldn't do it. But unlike Yumichika, Ikkaku wasn't going to just dismiss it. If he couldn't come out with the truth he would come out with something cruel.

"Can we just forget it?" Ikkaku stated. If Yumichika was hurt or started by this (which he obviously was) he did a good job of hiding it. However he did ask, "Forget what?" It was almost a demand.

"Everything that happened since the World of the Living incident." Ikkaku said trying to be broad with so many prying ears about. In fact the dining hall had gotten slightly quieter. (This may have contributed to Ikkaku's cowardice.) "Can we just pretend it never happened? Go back to the way things were before," he said lowering his voice. Yumichika just stood there stunned, otherwise unreadable. Little did Ikkaku know that he was fulfilling Yumichika's greatest fear: rejection. There was a reason the fifth seat had kept so many secrets, so much of _himself_ a secret. Not necessarily because he was ashamed of anything, but because he was afraid of rejection. Now his heart was breaking with every word Ikkaku spoke. Numbly Yumichika nodded then whispered, "Fine." But things would never be the same and they both knew that. Yumichika gave Ikkaku a final look, then turned and left the third seat behind. Ikkaku couldn't help the sinking feeling in his gut as he watched Yumichika walk away.

* * *

"Sooooo! How did it go?" Rangiku questioned as she nudged a rather absentminded Ikkaku who was sitting on the courtyard deck. He gave a start and looked at her bleary eyed. Suddenly her smile turned to a frown. "What happened?"

"I couldn't do it," the bald mad told her. All Rangiku could do was blink. Then out of nowhere (although he deserved it) Rangiku's polished hand came in contact with the back of Ikkaku's hair-lacking head. Ikkaku cursed at her while nursing the back of his head at the same time Rangiku scolded him and called him numerous names. They made quite a scene. When things finally settled down Rangiku murmured, a last, "You're an IDIOT," thus ending the dispute temporarily.

"Do I need to talk to him for you?"

Ikkaku sighed, "No. I don't think there's anything to talk about."

Rangiku looked at him curiously, "What happened?"

Ikkaku sighed again and explained the whole situation to Rangiku. This time however, he was managed to duck in time. After a second dispute Rangiku vocalized the question that was on both of their minds.

"What are you going to do now?"

Ikkaku had to think about that one and eventually he settled on one answer, "Forget about it. About him." Rangiku stared in horror at what she was hearing, but this time she was too stunned to strike him. "It'll be better for both of us and it's not like things can go back to normal." He went on to explain. After another moment of silence Ikkaku got up and headed inside. His face hardened and serious, but if you looked close enough you could see the sadness within his eyes.

* * *

Once Yumichika had turned his back on his former friend he headed back to the table where he had left his bottle of alcohol. He picked it up then grabbed a few extras and headed back to his room. Eyes following him all the way out. He tried to conceal his emotions until he got behind the closed door. Then he let the sadness and hurt seep through and even allowed himself to shed a few tears. Then drowned himself in the cheap alcohol. The ironic thing was, was that he didn't blame Ikkaku. He wasn't mad at Ikkaku. He blamed himself, was angry with himself. It was his fault. He let himself get hurt. He let himself open up to Ikkaku. It was his fault.

That night both of them wallowed in their grief, in separate rooms, just down the hall from each other. Neither of them could believe what happened. Both of them wished they could take it back. But only one of them had the ability to change the situation. All he had to do was summon the courage to speak those three little words, "I love you."

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**Hehehe :D I love suspense. Like I said though there will be one more chapter ... maybe. This is a very good ending in my opinion, but I know it's not to some people (Kaela). :D**


	8. The Final Emotion

**Here is the next chapter! This should be it unless I get another idea . . . :D**

_**Disclaimer:**_** -_- Don't own Bleach blah blah blah**

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_"There's no use to try and suppress It's always there reminding/ The one wound that never forgets/ Open and undying/ Always alive, always inside/ And no one comes out the same/ Love always leaves a mark/ The scars give it all away/ Burned in your heart/ Love will leave a mark."_

_- Love Will Leave a Mark by Red_

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So basically he had saved the man's life, risked his own life, greatly injuring himself in the process, worried for two weeks about him, fallen in love with him (more like discovered his feelings for him), risked his life again, saved him again, confessed his love, then was rejected.

Brilliant. -_-

Could it have been worse? Possibly. Could it have been prevented? Absolutely. Was there anything that could be done? Nope. The only thing Yumichika could do now was move on. Begin a new chapter of his life. One that didn't involve Ikkaku, even as a friend. It was a shame. They had been good friends for a long time and Yumichika had to go and ruin it by falling in love! Oh how he regretted those words. Couldn't he have just sucked it up and hidden it, just like his zanpakuto power? Come to think of it, Ikkaku was probably still wondering how he'd survived. If that was the case then that secret would be out soon as well.

This sucked.

It just goes to prove, love will _always_ leave a mark. Yumichika had known that, but he'd remained true to the belief that it would be worth it. See where that had gotten him? Now he was a heartbroken, drunken mess. Confined to his room wallowing in his depressing thoughts and regret. Blaming no one but himself. Ikkaku on the other hand wasn't faring to much better. However, being Ikkaku, he handled this kind of situation a different way. While both of them used alcohol, Ikkaku preferred to spar rather than dwell in thought. Between matches he would down a bottle of alcohol.

* * *

_"Enemy, familiar friend/ My beginning and my end/ Knowing truth, whispering lies/ And it hurts again/ What I fear and what I've tried/ Words I say and what I hide/ All the pain, I want it to end/ But I want it again/ ... / I'm still the same, pursing pain/ Is it worth all that I've gained/ We both know how this will end/ But I'd do it again."_

_- Fight Inside by Red_

* * *

Ikkaku was becoming reckless. His fighting was more sloppy and he was beginning to fall apart. He tried to blame the alcohol, but he'd fought drunk before. So what was different now? He knew, but he still wouldn't admit it to himself. Maybe that was why he couldn't do it. If he couldn't admit it to himself, how could he to Yumichika? Ikkaku was completely aware of what he was doing, he'd had plenty of time to think about the ins and outs of the situation (plus he'd had a good lecture from Rangiku to help). All he had to do was get up the damn courage to do something about it, but it was just so much easier just to pretend nothing happened between them and let things slowly resolve themselves.

Now this wasn't the direction Ikkaku would normally take. He was usually the one who was telling everyone else to grow a spine, but when it came to matters of love . . . well he was totally clueless. So with that being said he found that all his courage had abandon him. Which is why he was becoming a total disaster. His other friends (Rangiku, Hisagi, Izuru, Hinamori, Renji, even Hitsugaya) had even taken notice. Few had offered advice and encouragement. But really all that did was piss Ikkaku off. All of this whole Yumichika being in love with Ikkaku didn't really come as a surprise to the group, but Ikkaku's reaction? That was different. No one knew how he felt about the whole thing - besides Rangiku - so no one really knew how to help. So their advice, wasn't helpful _at all._

"Oi! Ikkaku! You ready?" someone called. Ikkaku glanced over and examined his next victim. He stood and stretched; it was time for another match. He took a swig of his drink then cracked his knuckles and got in his fighting stance. It wouldn't take long to bring this sorry sucker down.

* * *

Days of this went on, both of them slowing recovering. Ikkaku angry with himself for being a coward and no doubt hurting his friend. Yumichika angry with himself for allowing all of this to happen and letting himself get hurt. However, you could only be angry for so long. After some time they returned to their normal lives, well almost normal. The only thing missing was their best friend. They did their best to avoid each other and ignore the rumors going through the Seireitei. But the wound, even though it appeared to have healed, was still repairing itself. Neither of them were the same, as much as they pretended to be their old selves it just wasn't possible. Some things would just never be the same.

Indeed, as it would seem, fate wasn't done with them yet. Another mission, the two of them leading a group to fend off a small group of hollows in the Rukon Districts. Joy. Neither of them made much fuss about it, but they weren't happy about it. However, both did a good job at hiding their feelings and putting on their 'business' facade. They acknowledged each other only when necessary, took care of the situation without so much as a scratch and returned to their squad barracks quietly. It was that evening that got them both to thinking.

Yumichika was rather pleased that they had been able to work together without too much awkwardness being exchanged. However, Ikkaku wasn't so pleased. In fact his emotions might better be described as: chaotic. So many emotions raced through him it was hard to describe. He was hopeful, because he had gained a bit more confidence after the mission. He was angry for usual reasons. And he was slowly coming to terms with his feelings. Time passed quickly that night for Ikkaku as he got lost in his thoughts. It was the most thinking he'd done in a long time (granted it was for a good reason). Overall he came to one conclusion: nothing made any fucking sense anymore. It was nearly dawn when he became so agitated he couldn't stand it any longer. He pounded his fist on the wall and muttered under his breath, "To hell with it." And before his courage could escape him he made his way for the door.

* * *

Yumichika awoke to a pounding on the door. It was only 5 in the morning. Who would be bothering him at 5 in the morning? Well there was only one way to find out. Yumichika made his way to the door and opened it cautiously. He was rather surprised to see Ikkaku standing there. Surprised would actually be an understatement, he was baffled.

"Ikkau? Is something wrong?"

"Yes there is. Everything is wrong."

"What do you mean?" Ikkaku seemed he was desperately searching for the right words and suddenly looked nervous. Then he shook his head in defeat and sighed looking calmer. He looked Yumichika in the eyes and said, "Screw it. I'm no good with words." And without the slightest hesitation they both leaned in, their lips meeting. It was a good thing that no one else was awake at that hour, otherwise they would have been gawping at the two standing in Yumichika's doorway having a moment.

Of course Yumichika and especially Ikkaku weren't the mushy kind, so life almost seemed back to normal. Besides the kisses and butt grabs. Other than that they were just like best friends again, but even more inseparable. Only one secret remained. Both of them were aware of that one question that would soon have to be faced, otherwise their relationship didn't have a good chance of thriving. But how would it thrive when Ikkaku found out the truth?

It was interesting that one mission, one brief moment of life and death could be the gateway to so many emotions. (Not all of them wanted of course) And more was yet to come, I mean come on! It's Yumichika and Ikkaku!

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**:D And that's a wrap folks! Gotta leave a little of my friend suspense, but hey it wasn't as bad as the last chapter. Let me know what you thought of the story! I'd truly appreciate any feedback.**


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